You can call me just Jyoti (no need to hide it now that everyone already knows) or if it somehow makes it easier on your conscience, you can call me Damini, Nirbhaiya, Amaanat, daughter on India or whatever else you wish. The truth is that I am dead now and it does not matter what you call me. Do you want to know how I feel about that? Pretty darn sad if you must know. However, do not pity me as I don't need that now. I needed that pity when I was still alive and fighting for my life on that roadside. You should have shown pity then and saved me but you chose not to. You should have taught your sons not to rape.

Yes, not to rape even if I did not have the common sense to plead with the six men who brutalized and raped  me. I am told I should have called them "bhaiya" (as one of the country's spiritual leaders suggested). Instead, I foolishly tried to fight with them. In fact, I even had the audacity to slap one of them- my nerve! What I should have done instead (per guruji's recommendation) is that I should have kept six rakhis handy and immediately grabbed my rapists wrists and promptly tied the rakhis on to them. Better still, I should have called them "beta" as there is no need to carry rakhis in that case and that may have also increased my chances of  being safe as such men may end up raping their sisters but they are more than likely not to rape their mothers. Or are they? So if Swamiji recommends his male disciples not to rape any women that call them bhaiya, are the rest fair game?

I was but a mortal soul. Think of how Maa Durga would have handled it? She is a pretty short tempered lady as we all know and she surely would have fought back if she was being raped. The thought of calling  any of them bhaiya would not have crossed her mind. So this recommendation from guruji will not work for her or for others of her temperament. No problem- I hear now that our leaders have more solutions or guidelines for women of such temperament.You can have them wear an overcoat. Brilliant!! Great, all we have to do now is gift every woman in the country an overcoat (or a blanket if you find the idea of an overcoat too western). As soon as someone tries to rape her, she can excuse herself from the rapists for just 30 seconds and put on that overcoat or hide under that blanket. So simple. If only I had known these secrets before I died.

There are more awesome ideas where the two above came from. For example, all urban women can migrate  to rural areas as rapes happen only in cities but not in the villages as claimed by one of our esteemed religious and political (yes double whammy!) leaders. I am little late to be acting on that advice but the rest of you urban women - listen up and move and for God's sake stay indoors when you get to the villages. That way even if you get raped inside the house in a village, it will at least not be on twitter or facebook!

Swami Vivekananda once said, "To the man who has begun to hate himself, the gate to degeneration has already opened; and the same is true for a nation. So we must not hate ourselves" I am assuming he meant that to apply to women as well. I know he said it will all good intentions but how can I not hate myself for being born in this nation. A nation of hypocrites where they worship idols of women but rape and torture real, living women. A nation where rapes of women, girls and even infants are  everyday news. I hate to say it - but I hate this nation, I hate its people and I hate myself for being born here. I hate the fact that I was raped. I hate the fact that I am dead. I hate the fact that no one helped me or my friend when were lying naked and bleeding on that roadside. I hate that no one had the courage to take us to the hospital. I hate that my friend who was beaten and half dead himself, had to carry me in his arms as my intestines were falling apart. No one helped him, not even the police because they did not want to get blood on their clothes. How can I feel anything but hatred?

I am dead now so I can save myself the torture of thinking about all this every minute of my life if I was alive. But do not for even a second think that I have forgiven you. There is no redemption for any of you. No need for your apologies, no need for your pity. Do not pity me for I pity you.

Writer's note: I do not claim to know what Jyoti really felt or would have felt if she was alive. This was a way for me to try to put myself in her shoes. I wrote what I felt would have been her reaction to such comments from leaders- religious and political that claim to be holy but are far from it. I chose sarcasm as the tone as I could not have expressed it better any other way. Before you start commenting on how insensitive I was to call  her a fool - please understand that I was being sarcastic. If you don't get sarcasm, you just don't get it. 

My good friend pointed it out (and rightly so) that there is no point in my just expressing anger and writing blog pieces as that alone is not going to change anything. If we want things to change - we have to start with ourselves. Like MJ said- start with man (or woman) in the mirror. As far as I am concerned, I have promised myself that I will help everyone I can, when I see them in distress. I will teach my kids to respect and love life. I will try to pull  myself and my country back from this degenerated state and I will try to be a better person. Thanks for reading.